Jun 05

No I Do Not Want Your Shitty Bank

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My issue with banks have been expressed on the site before so there was a time I was required to get my checks cashed elsewhere. I used to cash my check at this one store around my town. The guy would make me buy a case of Pepsi and in exchange he would cash my checks.

This particular instance though I was in Wal Mart cashing it. Im walking through the store when I walk past the in store bank and the lady sees I have a check. Of course when you are a shitty bank inside Wal Mart you have to plead with everyone passing to bank there. So of course when she saw the check in my hand she came over to me with some bullshit in her hand.

She said “This will be cheaper than cashing it at Wal Mart.” I said yeah, but than let her know that because of PNC Bank giving me the old bend over I was not able to get a bank account. Thats when she reminded me of their “Second Chance” account. Having looked at the fees involved it was more like a “Sloppy Seconds” account considering I was already fucked pretty hard earlier by a bank.

Some of the bullshit fees include a $5 monthly fee, a $39 fee to get a debit card, and the fact that there is only one branch of this bank within an hour and the only ATM was the one in Wal Mart. Not only that, but you were required to keep that shit account for two years before being allowed to switch to something non-suck-ass.

So when I informed her that I was only a mere month away from fixing my bank situation and getting a normal account she offered me 3 free months without a monthly fee. WOW! Thats incredible. So good in fact I jumped at the chance… Actually no I instead went to Wal Mart and cashed it, leaving my ass firmly safe from being raped by this shitty bank. You can keep your second chance assholes.

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Jun 03

So Where Have I Been?

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So where is it I’ve been lately? Afterall it’s been a over a year since I said anything on here.

Have I been spending my time finding myself? No I’m pretty sure I know where I am and I am not one of those morons that have mental breakdowns.

What about traveling? No besides a trip to the Beach I haven’t done shit.

Getting drunk? Well yeah from time to time, but fuck I’m not an alcoholic.

So where have I been? I have been right here not doing shit with myself. Truth is I was just plain out of shit to say and apart from a few little angry statements I pushed out on the Bullshit Meter I have not written much else. But now I feel better and am planning on doing a lot of ranting about shit thats been pissing me off lately. The writers block is over and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about my rants cause I’m going to write them anyway.

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May 18

Answers.com Fucking Blows

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It seems that anytime I have a question to ask Answers.com always seems like they have the answer to it. Fuck, they appear on just about every damn Google search I do on a subject. It must be great to have a place with all answers to everything right in the same spot.

Only problem is, they never have any fucking answers. Either that or the answers they do have are so moronic that I want to bitch slap the person who wrote it to begin with. For example:

I was having trouble with one of my cars taillights so I searched for the term “Taillight Grounding Problem” and a page came up on Google with a description of what seemed to be the exact same problem I was having at the time. So I go there and get this glorious and insightful answer to the question.

Make sure the light bulb hasn’t burned out. If it is good take it to a shop.

 

If I planned on taking it to an auto shop why the fuck would I be asking how to fix it? Wouldn’t I just take it there to begin with? And what type of toolbox can’t figure to check the light first? Here’s a rocket scientist answering another question on there about how to fix a leaking sunroof.

Clean the seal, if it still leaks take it to a shop.

 

Once again thanks Answers.com for telling me the dumbest answer I can image. Maybe it should be called Obvious.com because any numbnuts that can figure out how to turn a computer on would know that a shop could fix it. That’s like someone asking a question such as “How do I plug in my refrigerator?” Only to have me respond with:

See if it’s plugged in already, if not call for a technician to assist you.

 

Not only that, but half the time one of their pages comes up in a Google Search it doesn’t even have an answer to begin with. So basically it’s asking you as if to say “We have no fucking clue, but if you do help us out.”

Well if I had a clue I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing a Google search for it assclown. So I’ve taken the liberty to redesign their website to make it more accurately represent them. I’ve even done it at no cost to me.

So I really wish Google would stop linking their site in search results. Bunch of dipshits.

 

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May 12

The Bullshit Meter

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Just a little note for those of you that use Facebook. I have a page there called The Bullshit Meter where I post very condensed rants and news stories that piss me off. Kind of where the stuff goes that I don’t have enough material about to make an entire article for the site. So if you’re interested check it out and you can also post on there as well.

Check out the Bullshit Meter.

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May 02

This Lady Makes Barack Obama Look White

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So I found another news story about a complete retard mother who needs a reality check for sure. This lady, Patricia Krentcil, is being charged with taking her daughter into the tanning booth. What’s wrong with that you say?

The girl is 6 fucking years old! Worse yet she suffered burns from it. The mother insists that the burns came from playing outside on an 85 degree day. Although that’s not what her daughter said when a school nurse asked how the burns came about. Although there is no solid proof other than the kids testimonial I’ll ask this: Would you trust a lady that looked like this when it came to tanning?

Holy shit, this lady makes the Black Eyed Peas look like Justin Bieber.

I mean damn, who in the hell needs to tan this much in the first place? It’s not even attractive to look at when someone tans this much. After all those years of going to the beach and roasting in a tanning salon this woman could easily be the new spokesperson for Jack Links Beef Jerky.

When I first saw this on the news I was thinking there had to be something wrong going on here, as if she fell into a big oven something. However it turns out that she is totally serious. I must say if you see this article and still jump into a tanning bed afterwards I say you are one brave fucker. I don’t even think Pauly D from Jersey Shore would tan enough to get this bad.

So when this lady tells everyone that her kid wasn’t in a tanning bed I have a real hard time believing it. I bet it really pisses her off that her child is so damn pale white. So I don’t know what’s going to end up happening in this case, but it just blows my mind at how people think this is attractive.

There is a plus side though, when she dies her family can use her skin to reupholster her favorite leather chair.

I’m looking for some more awesome jokes we can make about this woman so if you have them feel free to post them in my comments section. The winner doesn’t get shit, but if I’m not too lazy I may mention your name on my Facebook Page.

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Apr 28

Dan Savage Is a Tool

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So I’ll give you the back story on the reason I’m calling Dan Savage a tool. Not because he’s gay, not because he’s bitching about bullying, and certainly not because he has a problem with the Bible. In fact the reason I felt inclined to write about Dan Savage being a tool is due to this story from Fox News. Now it’s rare I check out Fox News for information, but I came across this and it struck a nerve with me.

Nothing stops bullying like being a hypocrite.

For those of you too lazy to click on the link and read it I’ll sum it up. Dan Savage, the founder of the ‘It Gets Better’ project, was giving a speech about bullying at a journalism conference when his speech about anti-bullying turned into a rant against people that believe in the Bible. Basically he says some people use the Bible as an excuse to bully gays. So when a large group of people left in the middle of it when he began bashing religion he called them all “Pansy Asses”.

First off, I haven’t heard a more obsurd insult than pansy asses since some moron called me a “Shit House” on the Rant Lister forum. Second of all, nothing promotes anti-bullying like standing on stage and bitching about people for their beliefs before calling them names for not wanting to hear your bullshit rants. Afterall, I could place a script on my page that calls everyone that exits the page a douchebag, but I choose not to. Why? Because if you think my opinion sucks than you don’t have to read it.

So basically this tool thinks it is OK to bully a group of people because he feels that they bully people like him, gay. Yeah, I didn’t mention him being gay at first because I don’t find it relevant even though he feels the need to make it relevant by talking about his partner in speedos.

Here’s my feeling about this: no one gives a fuck that you’re gay! I know tons of people that get picked on and I would be willing to bet that less than 10% of the people I know getting bullied are gay at all. Most of them are just plain different, sometimes people just bully because they have small dicks, and yet other times they just feel like being assholes. The truth of the matter is, no matter how much you do, no matter how many sad videos or ad campaigns you release, no one can fully stop bullying. One thing that will not stop bullying, by picking on bible thumpers. Don’t get me wrong, people that use a book written hundreds of years ago to make their decisions for them sure do get on my nerves.

So there’s my 2 cents about this, Dan Savage you are one of the biggest tools I’ve ever known and I would never support your project. Feel free to respond to this Dan, I’m interested in hearing your side of the story.

 

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Apr 07

7 Reasons I’m Fucked With Acid Reflux

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So I was reading an article (Source: Health.com) today that stated the 7 foods that are most common causes of Acid Reflux, a problem that I am all too familiar with. This list confirms the reasons that I am pretty much fucked with acid reflux because I’m not giving this shit up.

1. Chocolate

So it turns out that Chocolate is the #1 cause of Acid Reflux. Are you shitting me? So the day before the biggest chocolate eating day of the year I find out that I should stay away from it. Well fuck that, I love eating chocolate and I have the cavities in my teeth to prove it. If that didn’t stop me, this won’t either.

2. Soda

I go through a shit load of Coke on a daily basis and it turns out that Coke is one of the worst for you. Well that sucks because I’m a few Coke Points away from getting some cool shit for free. Also, remember the remark about cavities? Yeah it holds true on this one as well. Not to mention I worked in a McDonalds for 7 years and was given free Coke whenever I felt like it. Sure I could have drank water, but that shit’s for the fishes.

3. Fried Food

Oh come on, I just said I worked at McDs for 7 years. Do you really think I wasn’t slamming down free nuggets and McChicken while I was there? Hell no I won’t give up Fried Food. Have you ever tried french fries baked instead of fried? They suck ass and so do a lot of other foods that you can bake instead of deep frying.

4. Alcohol

Well this one should be a no-brainer. Obviously I am not giving up alcohol. It’s the perfect thing to accompany happiness, sadness, anger, and pretty much any other feeling you have. Also it’s a great pain reliever. So the hell with that.

 5. High Fat Dairy Products

Go ahead and take the Pepsi Challenge with High Fat Dairy compared to Low Fat. I bet you pick the high fat everytime because it doesn’t suck ass. Just look at milk for example, 1% milk just plain out blows. It’s not a big deal for me, but I still won’t switch.

6. High Fat Meats

So beef, pork, and lamb are causes of Acid Reflux as well. Well I prefer them over chicken any day so those hippy assholes and vegetarians that think they can stop me from eating it can shove it. Speaking of which, all this talk of food has me craving a nice steak with french fries and a tall glass of Coke. Complete with a chocolate cake dessert as well.

7. Caffeine

Turns out that Caffeine just happens to be in almost every awesome thing on this list and so it’s no surprise that it caps off the list. I also suffer from bad migraines and have to take medication for that. Guess what one of the main ingredients is. That’s right, caffeine. So if it comes between having a headache and sticking it out or getting rid of my headache and not being miserable I think I’ll choose the no headache route.

So there you have it. Every single thing on that list is so awesome that I would never be willing to give it up. So if you’re in the same boat that I am than maybe it’s time to kick back, enjoy your fatty foods, drink your high in caffeine cola, and pop a Prilosec once a day. That whole giving up foods you like is just overrated anyhow.

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Mar 31

Since When Is Spike Lee a Judge?

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This rant is derived from a combination of stories. The first story involves the shooting death of a 17 year old Florida resident by the name of Trayvon Martin. Basically to sum this first story up a man by the name of George Zimmerman was on a neighborhood watch when he stated he saw someone acting strangely and called the police to report this. By the time police arrived Martin was shot dead by Zimmerman who states that he was acting in self defense. The witness accounts of that night vary and the fact is only two people know what truly happened, one of which has passed away. Here is the wiki on this story. You read it and decide on that.

So there are a lot of people out there that think this was a racist hate crime and that Zimmerman simply was racially profiling Martin and this led to the events. Now I am not going to say that’s not possible because we all know it could be the case. Keep in mind the word could in the prior sentence.

The racial card obviously angers a lot of people. However what happened next was absurd and is part 2 of this. Someone looked up the address of George Zimmerman and posted it to Twitter. Although since I use Twitter myself it wouldn’t matter anyway because you need lots of followers for anything to get attention. I miss stories all of the time because of the different random crap people post. So the genius movie director Spike Lee took it upon himself to retweet the address. There was just one major problem…

It was the wrong fucking address!

Not only was the former occupant the wrong George Zimmerman (The guys middle name was George), but this was the address of David and Elaine McClain, a retired elderly couple. So this jackass was responsible for having death threats and reporters sent to their home. It was so bad they had to spent time in a hotel. Sure, Spike apologized and that seems to be good enough for the elderly couple involved.

Here’s my major problem: George Zimmerman hasn’t been convicted by a court, he hasn’t had a fair shot at a trial yet, and the investigation is still underway. So in essence he is innocent by justice standards and since last time I looked Spike Lee wasn’t wearing a black robe and sitting in a court room, he is no one to enforce laws. So even if it was the right address it’s still wrong. What if I gave out his address when he released a shitty movie so people could go request their money back? That’d be pretty messed up wouldn’t it? It certainly seems as if Spike didn’t “Do the Right Thing” in this case.

So you see no matter how much you may believe something it doesn’t give you the right to bully another person. We have a court system that is in charge of all this. If you don’t like the way our criminal justice system works that change the system, but don’t go back to a wild west mentality and call out the mob to get involved on this. Last time I checked the law is innocent until proven guilty.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying whether I think he’s innocent or guilty. I think the courts will decide this and whatever conclusion they come up with is fine by me. Until then, stop giving out addresses and scaring the shit out of elderly people that have no clue what the fuck Twitter even is. He is just lucky this couple isn’t greedy because he deserved to get sued for the harassment he has caused. You would think that at the ripe age of 55 Spike Lee wouldn’t need someone less than half his age to tell him how childish his actions are.

Nice glasses you twat. Leave the judging to real judges and we'll leave the movies to you.

So until some great event occurs that combines Judge Mathis with Spike Lee I don’t think he has any right to pass on a guilty verdict. Because it’s pretty damn obvious why he gave out the address in the first place and it wasn’t because he wanted people to send their best wishes along with a box of chocolates.

 

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Mar 25

Message to Anti-Porn Groups – Fuck Off

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I recently was reading up on an article that stated presidential candidate Rick Santorum was going to make all “Hardcore Porn” illegal. He basically said that there is a “pandemic” of illegal pornography and that it not only destroys marriages, but it changes waves in the brain and leads to abuse towards women. Really?

I would post the page that was on Santorums official website, but the fucker took it down and denied that it referred to all pornography in general. This is despite the specific passage that I was able to pull off of another site that quoted the article. I was too damn busy or else I would have posted this shit earlier, but here is the quote from his site before they took it down.

a pandemic … pornography is toxic to marriages and relationships. It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking. … The Obama administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws.

 

Yeah thanks for that asshole. First off a Pandemic is defined as a disease over a widespread area. Since there is no scientific proof that Pornography addiction is an actual diagnosable disease than it cannot be a pandemic. Way to make it sound way worse than it actually is. It’s not like people are out spanking it in the middle of Wal-Mart while looking at the work out videos or anything.

A bunch of people who claim to be submitting “Scientific” studies state that they have evidence of this bullshit. These people are quite obviously biased in their opinions and their evidence is quite lackluster. You know there are millions of people that look at porn every year. With those kinds of numbers it’s no wonder that some of the people committing these crimes also watch porn. That’s like saying that we need to stop selling gas because there is strong evidence that people who buy gas are more likely to steal a car.

However if pornography truly leads to an increase in violent crimes against women than why has violent crime been on a decline over the past few decades despite the fact that Porn is more readily available now than ever before. Hell you don’t even have to be searching for tits to end up finding them by mistake. Afterall, I’m sure people searching for porn are probably reading this right now and getting pissed because there are no titties on this page.

Rick Santorum: Does he really need to tell you what to jerk off to?

The bottom line here and the reason that this bothers the absolute piss out of me is this: Rick Santorum is hoping to get a lot of votes from people with strong “Family Values” by taking our liberties away. What the hell is that? One families values and beliefs may be completely different from another families. So how can this guy to the right think he knows what every single person in the country should believe in. You must be completely retarded to think that would ever work. Want proof of why you can’t outlaw porn with current legislation?

12 Jurors in LA could not agree to convict a man who was involved in making porn that involved eating shit. That’s right, a jury of 12 didn’t come to an agreement that women in porn eating shit was considered “obscene”. So if the most fucked up porn ever can’t be considered obscene in the court of law than I don’t think anything would.

Even further proof in this, a rural jury in Arkansas acquitted material than involved double penetration, multiple pop facial, and themes of punishment and rough sex. It took only 4 hours for them to reach their decision.

These people treat all people in the business like they are evil and this is simply not true. I know a lot of people that work in this industry and they are thoughtful and productive members to society. Hell, at least they have jobs and don’t mooch off of our tax money.

So fuck off to not only Rick Santorum, but to all Anti-Porn groups and other politicians that think they can shove morality down the throats of the American public. Sex is a natural part of life, so why do we treat it like it’s the most awful thing ever? If you had video of animals having sex it would be shown in classrooms and on TV everywhere, but when our own species do it we turn our heads in disgust and all hell breaks loose.

Let me end me rant on this note: Any law that tries to force “values” or “morality” onto people by making it illegal to do otherwise is a law that this country doesn’t need. The truth of the matter is that most of us Americans are good people and we don’t need a government to tell us how we should behave in the privacy of our homes. Let the politicians worry about more important things like making out economy better and keeping us safe from other countries that may threaten our way of life.

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